Finding my way back to where I once was

When I last wrote a blog post, I had received some fantastic news as well as some devastating news that I had alluded to. Unfortunately, what was once fantastic news turned into devastating news. Over the past few months, I have been through a very personal hell of loss starting January 12th with the loss of my grandfather. In February, we lost my youngest aunt on my mother's side, a mere ten years older than me. This was followed quickly by my grandmother's hospitalization and the death of my great aunt all before Saint Patrick's day. My very secret news was for me the most traumatic loss as I lost the life I was growing inside of me. I still can't really talk about it and to say that my mental health hasn't been on spot is perhaps the biggest understatement of the year. Which is why I haven't been producing content and why this content is going up on a Sunday instead of the regular Wednesday and Friday. 

In books and movies, we try to characterize the slow, soul-crushing feeling of loneliness and of loss. The fact of the matter is we don't really know whether those are truthful until we have to face them for ourselves. Where I live now, I have no friends or family near me. Just work. On top of everything else, my boyfriend and I decided to go our separate ways. I don't hold any of this against him, and if he's reading, I hope he knows I wish him the best. So for the first time I was really facing everything alone and I have no idea how this happened. I have tried almost everything to breach the wall that the feeling of isolation has built up around me. I have visited with friends when they are in town breifly for work. I have congratulated them on their marriages, their engagements, their new relationships, babies, and pregnancies. I downloaded Amino and joined groups on Facebook and reconnected with friends from a long time ago. But the truth of the matter is I'm still feeling isolated and alone. 

People talk about the road to healing and how to take time for yourself, but I have never been truly alone in my life. My family while dysfunctional was always nearby. When I moved away, I moved to an environment where I was surrounded by people all the time. I went from that to being married, from being married to having 3 roommates and a dog. From there, it was one roommate and he moved out when I got with my ex-fiance. My ex-fiance moved down from New York and then it was me, him, a dog and a cat. When he moved out, I still had my goddaughter and her parents next door, and all of my friends and support networks. Its different this time. I'm not sure what to do or where to go, but this and the new theme for the blog are my way of reaching out to the world again and saying in however meek a voice "I'm here. I survived. And I missed you." 

This isn't a story of self-love, butterflies, and mimosas (although that would be awesome). This is the story of a young woman who was thrust into something she had no idea how to deal with and surviving it. Of break downs and waking up in cold sweats and tears and pain and hurt and inevitably triumph. If you are feeling even a little alone today, or if you have been, reach out to me. Don't hesitate and I will do my best to be there for you. I'm still here. We can make it and no one can truly define us. 

I missed you. All of you and the world would be an worse place without you. I'll talk to you again on Wednesday. 

Mariah